Ep. 182 - Sports Parents : How to Set a Culture that Prevents Problems

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Show Notes:

In this episode of Learning to Thrive we’re sharing what’s actually worked for us in building a supportive parent culture in a high-emotion, high-investment environment like competitive sports. The goal isn’t to control families or hand out a list of “don’ts”, it's to create clarity so you and parents can show up as allies.

We break down four practical moves that reduce misunderstandings and protect kids: put your culture on paper, communicate early and clearly, listen for the missing piece when conflict shows up, and hold the line when behavior violates your values. 

We also get honest about the hardest part for leaders: making decisions that are best for the program even when someone is upset. When you protect the culture consistently, you create less burnout for coaches, less confusion for families, and a more joyful season for athletes. If you’re running a youth sports program, this is a blueprint you can start using today. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Welcome back to Learning to Thrive. I'm Courtney. And I'm Michaela. And today we are talking, our June is about competitive team, right? Like what are we doing in the competitive sports world that we think is working? And honestly, we're going to share some things that we feel like are not working that we have to, we have to keep keep evolving on. And so today, one of the favorite topics of mine, uh, and many of the people that I know lead different sports programs is sports parents. And a lot of times when I mention sports parents, people cringe and they're like, oh my gosh, they're so crazy. They're so this, they're this or that. And I would like to make the case today that maybe it isn't so much that sports parents are crazy or overinvolved or whatever. Maybe it's that we as sports programs need to be proactive and thoughtful in the way that we conduct ourselves so that we can minimize, right? Minimize the drama, minimize the emotion, minimize and clearly set expectations so that everybody's on the same page. Because I think a lot of times where the drama comes in and the confusion comes in is that things are either on one side or like we're thinking it from this perspective, they're thinking about it from this perspective. And then the clash of those two things, because we're both so passionate about doing what we think is best for the kids, but we have two different ideas of what is best for the kids. And so we're gonna talk today about how we set up our culture, um, which I would say to you that 98% of our parents, maybe to 99 right now.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

Yeah, 98 to 99.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Yeah. Are we we have an amazing team parent culture? We have a very supportive team parent culture, and I am also really proud of our parents when they go out because I believe that we as a group try to be really good sports on a competitive in a competitive environment, like to encourage other people um to really look, you know, to to look out for people and to to at least not bash anybody else is the expectation that we ask for. And I think I could always be wrong. I might have blind spots, but I think it goes pretty well most of the time.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

I'd agree.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

And also there are times that it does not.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

So what do we do?

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Yeah, and we've gone through multiple iterations of problems. Right. So we've seen a lot of different things from parents talking about other kids to parents, you know, getting on the competition floor, parents addressing. Parents throwing fits afterwards, uh screaming at their kids. Like, so I'm not painting you a rosy picture to say, oh, we've got it all figured out. And also, I think there's some things that we do that work that that you can take, you can leave, um, but we want to share with you today.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Sure.

Establish Your Team Culture on Paper

SPEAKER_00 2:55

Yeah. So the first thing is to establish your team culture on paper. Yeah. Yes. Get it out of your head, put it on paper for your coaches and for your athletes and for your parents. So for us, part of that is our team handbook, and part of that is our parent meeting every year that kind of sets the tone. Um, and a lot of that parent meeting is to go over the parent handbook or the team handbook. And in there, we very explicitly outline the pillars of the culture of the team program and expectations of you know, what is okay behavior and what is not okay behavior.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

And I think we put the actions that we are expecting to see in there too. I think that's one of the, I think, I think it's got to get out of your head so that you're clear on it, they're clear on it, right? It's got to get out of your head so that in theory you could simplify it. And that's one of the things we're actually working on, you know, we're as we always keep evolving. This year we're really working on getting those like tagline pieces of like, okay, we know what this is, but could we make it something that's so, you know, like so in everybody's brain that like it's like a tagline that comes out, you know, things like we can do hard things, right? Like different, different pieces of our team culture that we want to just be in the kid's head, in the parents' head, in our coach's head to keep establishing that. So knowing what it is, having it on paper, putting the actions with it so that the parent, you can say being late to practice is not excellence as a decision, you know, being on time is, uh making sure that they understand how to behave at competitions, what we want to see in the gym, and then also living it. Right. Because if you go through a team parent meeting and you're and you establish everything and you've got it on paper and you've got your handbook and you've got the actions, and then every day in the gym they see something different, or they see the opposite, or they see, or some coaches do it, some coaches don't do it, it does erode the culture. So if you're going to put it on paper, turn it into action and also make sure you're living it. Right. And everybody in your program is living it.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

I think a big thing too to point out there is you're not just giving them a list of things not to do.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Like you said, you're you're asking for the behaviors you want to see as well. Getting them a little bit more involved in like how to behave or how to participate as a parent in the sport and not just don't do this, don't do that. Yeah, because you shut down a little bit when you hear that, or you're like, oh, all right, here's my list of to, you know, to don'ts. But when you get engaged with like, okay, this is how we want you to show up at a competition. We want you to be, you know, cheering everyone on. We want you to be, you know, we'd love for you to rep thrive if you want to, you know, we kind of paint them a picture and then they can see themselves in it and they kind of buy into it a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Yeah, because they don't if they don't want to be the enemy. Number one, they're paying you. Yeah. Right? A lot. Car car payment plus in the sport of gymnastics, but in other sports the same, you know. So they're paying you, they're bringing their kid. They're invested in the like they chose you. There's many, many choices out there. So then making, yeah, bringing them, welcoming them into the process versus treating them as the enemy or treating them as a child who needs to have like a gates around them. Now, I understand why that is, because sometimes the behavior is so absurd that you're just like, I don't understand where we went wrong here. But welcome them in because 99% of them are gonna do the right thing. And if you have it established on paper and you've already gone over the actions, it's gonna be real clear to be like, this was not the behavior we were asking for. And also if you've done your job and this is what in this program we do about it. You know, for us, it's you know, you get a you get a conversation first. Then you get a, you know, you get a war a warning. I don't know. I don't know. I have to review all the steps, but like it's a conversation, then it's basically like, hey, this is a problem. The kid then gets suspended after that, right? For a day. And then if it continues, it it's yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

It also depends on what the issue is and if it's primarily the parent that's creating the issue, or if there's something involving the kid in practice, and then it's you know, yeah, but the the ultimate thing is you can't be a part of this if you don't, if you don't align with with the values. And the great thing is once you've done the work to establish that culture and have it be a living, breathing thing within your competitive program, is the behaviors that don't align with the culture become very obvious very quickly. There's less opportunity for something to kind of fester and grow into a larger problem because it just sticks out. Yeah, it's like, oh, that is that is not how we do things here. Let's talk about it first, like you said. Absolutely. That kind of pulls right into our uh second point here, which is communication.

Communicate Early, Often and Clearly

SPEAKER_00 7:46

It's to communicate early, often, and clearly. You always say clear is kind. Well, that's Brene, but yeah. Brene says it, but you also say it, right? Brene came up with it accordingly. Yeah, that's Brene all the time. Um yeah, your communication. So going back to establishing it early, that's that handbook they get when they choose to join a team. That is, if they're trying your gym, that's having conversations with the parents before they even start their trial. Hey, this is how we do things. This is the type of thing. We suck our handbook with the trial. Yeah. Are you are you interested in what we're doing here? Not just the sport or the outcome of what you're hoping to see from, but the actual culture, the piece of it. Do you want to be a part of this bigger thing that we're doing?

SPEAKER_01 8:31

And I feel like in that communication, you also have to be living your values as well. So, like they hear it from you in the team parent meeting, and then in theory, uh most of the communication then needs to be that same camaraderie of like, if we told you what we want to see instead of the list of what we don't want to see, then continuing to say, you know, like we're a team getting this stuff done. So when you're sending all communication to having it be friendly, having it be, you know, adding what we call it the fluff, but like fluffing the email so it doesn't just come across as like your kid needs to be here, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

Oh, yeah. If I, as a team coach, if I have to send a like an email to the whole group about something at any point in the season, it always starts with some sort of highlight from the previous week. Yeah. So if we had just had a competition like, oh, the girls did great at Christmas on the Chesapeake, you know, this past weekend, or the pink meat this past weekend, you know, whatever the case may be. Uh, looking forward to continuing on through the rest of the season. And then I get into like the meat of what we need. You you gotta yeah, fluff it a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

Yeah. Take care, yeah, take care of the parents. Yeah. And and communicate early often and clearly. So before they're wondering, let them know what it is, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:47

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

You've you've said it one time, and this is this always cracks me up where you get like the one parent who's like, did we get any information on this? And you're like, well, it's been emailed out like three times. But like, does it need to go via email, via you know, whatever? We use group me, but you know, there's team snap. Like, are you also communicating in multiple ways that they will receive it? And then is it clear? Less is more, right? They don't really want to know to know the wording, like the why behind it always. Sometimes it's just please bold the important points for me or please keep it simple. So, like looking at your communication and saying, if I am a parent in my program with three, let's say one to three kids, you know, lots going on in life. Am I am I getting this information the way that I would like to receive it? And then honestly asking them. We send surveys out once, twice a year, just asking about how we're doing with that. Um, which we don't get a ton of responses on that, which I take is a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

Yeah, I would assume if they have the opportunity to address something that they're not happy about, they would take that opportunity. And if not, things must be pretty good.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Yeah. And we have like a team newsletter too. So like we're also communicating about fun stuff, not just always logistics. So if you that's that takes a little bit more bandwidth, and we didn't do that until the last couple years, but it does help to get people rallied around what is going right.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

Across all levels.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

Across all levels. Yeah.

Listen for the Missing Piece

SPEAKER_01 11:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:14

So number three is to when there is an issue. Yeah. And there's going to be issues. Yeah. And you have to have that conversation. Yeah. Listen for the missing piece. There's always, almost always, some piece of information that you don't know that is a major contributing factor to whatever it is that is going on or the issue is. So say your piece, you know, talk, but equally, if not more, listen, allow the space and the time for them to talk. And usually you taught me this too. When you feel like they're done talking, if you can just sit for an extra 10 seconds, a lot of times after an awkward silence, there's a little bit more that comes out.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

The truth.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Yeah. The hard, the painful part. The painful part. Yeah. The thing that they don't necessarily want to have to bring up. Yeah. Because it's deep down, you know, or whatever, whatever the case may be. But um listen for the missing piece and go into those conversations with the intention of fully hearing them out and trying to find that missing piece. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Yeah, because I think a parent who has a kid in your organization has insight that you don't have, right? Because they're coming from another perspective. So from a program perspective, it's it's important to listen just because you may have a blind spot that they illuminate for you, right? There's always some truth in every in every interaction, some something that we can do better, right? Even if that's communicate differently or, you know, something like, or clear more clearly or whatever. And also they are humans and their kids are humans, which means they have multiple things going on other than this sport. So what is happening at school? What is happening in the family? What is happening just growth-wise for them? And usually what is the symptom is gymnastic is something that's happening in the gym. The root problem is something that usually is much deeper than that. And if you can sit and listen and and hold space for that, then number one, you don't go revamp something when you're like, oh wait, that they were actually struggling in every aspect and they just needed us to hear them, right? So like we don't need to revamp our whole program. And sometimes it's like, okay, I heard you, and yeah, there's other things going on, but really it is mostly in the gym. Um, so that missing piece important is important. And the attitude with which you listen is important. They are not your enemy. Sports parents are not your enemy. And they need guidance. Right. Because they are, you know, not everybody has had a 12-year-old before. Or if we're, you know, and we are lucky enough that we get to spend time with a lot of 12-year-olds. So what might seem scary or unusual to a parent is really normal. I, you know, like I'll be like, oh no, they're all struggling with that. And they'll be like, really? Yeah. Yeah. I can I can tell you that all five of their teammates are all struggling with that as well. You're not, you're not alone. They're not weird. It's we're gonna get through this. You know, we've got athletes that have been through this before every year, you know, like so um sharing that insight and and guiding them can really make for a lasting relationship piece and an investment piece. And that's why we're doing this, right? Life lessons through sport. You don't you're not teaching that fully if you're not going through the hard stuff with them too and listening for that missing piece. Although you might have to hold your own emotional regulation while listening because it it's a couple of the layers could could be offensive. Right. Right. Not in a bad way, but just in like a you care deeply about your program kind of way. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

So let's say you had that conversation. You did your part, you listened. Yeah. You found a missing piece. Yeah. And

Hold the Line

SPEAKER_00 15:16

comes down to, okay, now we gotta make a decision about something. Don't be afraid to hold the line. That's number four. Yeah. So you've done your part to establish your culture on paper, you've done your part to communicate early, often, and clearly. You, when an issue has come up, you've listened with the intent of there's probably something I don't know that's going on, and I'm open to hearing it and receiving it and receiving feedback. Now we're at the point where, okay, this is our culture. You do have to protect it sometimes. It's a living, breathing thing, should be. And sometimes you gotta hold the line on. I understand that you're upset or X, Y, and Z, but this is the line that that we have. We do not, you know, speak poorly about other athletes in any sense in or out of the gym. We're continuing to violate that. It we can't tolerate it. Yeah. So when there's an issue and you've done all the work beforehand, sometimes you just have to hold the line, which can be hard. But I mean, this is kind of an extreme situation, but ultimately you're not gonna make everyone happy. You can be a really great place for a lot of people, but it doesn't mean you have to be a great place for everybody. Um, and if if there's a either a behavior going on or a person that is just going against the culture again and again, then it just might not be a good fit.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Yeah. And this is my hardest one. This is the one that that I am I am a recovering people pleaser. And also I just I am somebody who understands most sides of things. Like I don't see much in black and white. I'm I'm very gray. And so holding a line has been something that I have had to really work on developing because really a leader in a sports in a sports program's job is to hold the integrity of the program, right? So when I make a one-off decision that allows somebody to violate that, I'm actually not taking care of the other 120 people that are actually doing what we've asked them to do. Right. And so I I'm reading a book called Unreasonable Hospitality, and in it, it's it's something the guy in there is like there's something along the lines of like most every every decision I make will be the best for this program. And most of the time that will be the best thing for you as well. But there might be times where it it is not. And my job is still to make the best decision for the program. And that has helped me a lot in in like holding a line and and letting it be okay that this isn't for everybody necessarily. And not everybody's going to give me a high five and say, great job holding the line. I really respect that you really stuck to your guns there with that, right? Most of the time you're gonna get blasted. Let's face it, like, especially right after, because the emotion is high and whatever. The parents aren't going to love it, but the parents that are following along with your culture are going to appreciate it. And that is also going to strengthen your culture in an energetic way that you can't necessarily put a measurement on. But I have seen it every time we have made a decision in this into to stand for our culture and not falter, even when it was the unpopular opinion, it has resulted in growth for our organization. But it's hard because I like to make people happy.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

It's also really hard when you're in like a one-on-one meeting.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

Yeah, and when it's kids, right? Because oftentimes it's the kid that loses, right? Nine times out of ten, it's like and and many of the things that I have had to face are like it was actually the parents' reaction to the situation that got us from you know zero to sixty so fast. That's hard because then the kid pay pays the price. And also life lessons through sport is if you don't, if you don't, you know, do what's best for the group, you can't play, right? Like you can't be hurting other people and still stay in the game. And and that's not the first time necessarily.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

The first time is a learning curve, but when it's repeated behavior, yeah, there's always a a consequence for behavior or for actions, right? And it can be a positive consequence or it can be a negative consequence. Right. So but it's really hard.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

So hold the line and make sure that you've done everything you can up to that point. You know, the listening, the communicating, the establishing the culture so that you know confidently, I gave everything that I had, I was very, very clear, I was open to listening to see if we could resolve this, and now I just have to make sure that that we protect the culture and protect the other people that are actually doing what we've asked them to do. So not easy. No, but worth it.

unknown 20:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:12

Because I think once you get that established and you get that set into systems, and I would say I don't want to jinx it, but in the last two years, I think we have seen the shift of not we have really drilled down on that communication piece and really drilled down on the establishing culture piece, both from the coaching perspective and the parent perspective, and just the personal perspective. And it has resulted in a lot less energy output at the end of the season, which is usually when things get squirrely, right? A lot less drama, a lot less misunderstandings, a lot less confusion. Um, still not everyone's happy by any means, but it it has made it more fun and I think less burnout for our coaches because we already have it in place.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

And we know each other we know everyone's gonna stick to it to back each other up.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

We're we're all bought into the culture. So if there is an issue, I have faith or confidence that the the outcome is going to be what truly is best because no one's gonna go off and make a random crazy one-off. Well, actually, it's fine for them, you know. Yeah, we're all on the same page. And I I spent years doing that.

SPEAKER_01 21:23

Oh, just let that person, right? Like, yeah. Our team director and I, I mean, in the early days, because I was like, but everybody should be a part of it. And she's like, ah. Um, so she's taught me a lot about that and and and then seeing the benefits of holding the line. And it's like, oh, that does work. And also that person was okay. And maybe they even found something better. So yeah. Right. All right. So just to re just to review, you're establishing your culture on paper, you're communicating early and often and clearly, you're listening for the missing piece when there is a there is an issue, and then you're holding the line when you know that holding the line is the right thing. And with that, 99% of your sports parents are gonna love what you're doing. And then there's always gonna be the 1% that don't. And that's okay. Right. All right, everybody, we hope you keep on thriving.